I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
