Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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