His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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