I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
