Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
