forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
