He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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