A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
