I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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