FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
