My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
A+ Viking dick
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
