I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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