Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
