We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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