i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
