I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Randomize
