he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
