I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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