I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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