So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You are the jesus of drinking
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
