Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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