im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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