I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
