Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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