I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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