I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
