I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
