Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
