if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
