I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
two words: eviction party
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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