She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
