wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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