Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
