If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
