You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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