So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
