R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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