I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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