Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
