you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
