Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
