I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
