she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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