If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
