I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
