I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
