I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
