I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my poor anus
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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