It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
