my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
