I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
