got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
