The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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